Outfit # 50: The Muse

    I could use a good dose of inspiration, but it seems to be totally avoiding me. My internship and summer classes are almost over and I'm kind of freaking out. This is the moment people were talking about when they said, "The Muse sucks. Don't wait for the Muse. Work hard and keep working." But if the Muse could just pop by and give me a good slap across the face, that'd be great. I can't even get inspired to dress fun. That's when I know things are rough. 
    I guess it's time for me to just crack my knuckles, tie my hair up high, and get to completing. Completing is the best stage of any project. I just need to get there. I always get there, somehow, and I'll get there this time. I just want to be excited. My internship has been great. I've been able to take a lot of photos, meet a diverse and interesting community and it's people. I have a greater understanding of community and what "rural living" means. I have a paper due Monday and I get to write about human over population on the planet, and I am super stoked about that. I even plan to quote Dan Brown's Inferno, a book that blew my mind. And I just had another cover story published in my school newspaper about going viral and viral fame. And the kids I take care of at my church continue to totally rock. They're so funny and smart and kind. I consoled two crying children today and I'm really proud because I don't have much experience in the consoling children department. 
    All of this good, however, is mirrored continuously by my Nana's dementia, which continues to worsen. It's been a year of full time care. I only leave to go to school or to the store or to church. I don't want to speak ill of my Nana, but I'm not a fan of dementia at all. It's hard to focus on anything. To stay motivated. The worst part is that it is now impossible to separate my Nana from dementia. The two are now fully integrated. Imagine trying to fight a battle that literally cannot be won and then imagine the battle being in the brain of a person you love. Seeing them fight it and continuously lose. You cannot do anything to stop it. Your on the losing side too. 
    So I'm living in a paradox, good mirrored by bad. A complicated tangle that cannot be unwoven. I'm all of these people, the intern, the student, the writer, the kid caretaker, the granddaughter. I need the Muse to inspire me in all of these roles, but she certainly doesn't care. I have be my own inspiration. But good gracious, it's hard.  
dress and sunglasses - bealls outlet // shirt - thrifted // necklace - gift // shoes - goody's

Comments

  1. I'm sorry about your grandma, that must be so hard seeing someone you love start fading that way. And man, I feel you on that muse thing. The bad thing with me is I'm SO lazy. Like, I have the potential to do good stuff but I dont wanna. So for me, I need multiple slaps from the muse not just one. Give me some of your hard work mojo!

    xo marlen
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